Ancient cultures believed that to know the name of something was to have power over it, but I think naming something allows you to better sit with it, to have a greater access to empathy. To greet the depression with grace and acceptance. To say to the depression "I see you, I will take care of you". When you can hold something with tenderness, it softens, and its easier to carry the load.
How do you stay creative in depression? I don't know either really. But, for me, it's ritual and routine. It's muscle memory. Going mindfully through the motions is no bad thing. It's a hand rail for my days. It's something solid to hold onto when the ground is shaking. It's something sure to cling to until the thunder quiets and the sun comes out again. It is in the nature of things to change. We work, we rest, we make, we wait, we breathe, we repeat....
This is perhaps an oversimplification, but whenever I have a case of the fuck-its I think of a quote I heard on the old Spine Magazine podcast (wish I could remember which episode or who said it): “no input, no output.” It’s a good reminder to me that the reason I started making things was because I saw things I wish I had made, and that creativity begets creativity. The best thing for me to do in those difficult moments is seek out other creative work of any kind. Sometimes it inspires me and other times it makes me jealous, which can be enough of a fire to get me back to work. But mostly, even if it does neither of those things, it’s brain food. None of us is a machine that can produce endlessly; we need fuel to keep going.
I have no answers, N. I'm struck by your depth and honesty. It's unguarded. There's something free about that which, for me, lights up the gorgeous collage you just showed us. Is there some connection between caring *less* and being able to create *more good art*? I can get very stuck in caring too much about everything. As I said, no answers--just questions.
Hi Ann—no answers required. Thank your for engaging with this!
You may be on to something. I think caring less can be good for your art—that's how I was able to post this in the first place. But the bulk of my struggle is when the work is for a client. Design is generally viewed as less emotional than art but I think that is a myth for many, many designers. As I do this work I try to find client work that I genuinely care about, but even then it can be a struggle when I'm afflicted with a case of the fuck-its.
Again, thanks for your comment. Made my day and made writing this worth it.
Ah, I love when this happens - I stumble across the perfect piece at the perfect time. I, too, go through stages of slumps that are almost as bad as my peaks are good. I hate when peak-me does something that slump-me has to follow up with.
Either way, thank you for writing and sharing this. I’m new to this Substack world and struggling a lot with the internal dialogue telling me that I’m being too vulnerable online. Pieces like this remind me that no, I’m not, and in fact being vulnerable is a superpower of sorts. Knowing I’m not the only one struggling with a July slump makes me feel that much less alone, which I greatly appreciate.
“I hate when peak-me does something that slump-me has to follow up with.” Never a more relatable sentence than that right there.
Thanks for weighing in Kaley. Your affirmation quells the part of me that STILL wonders if I was too vulnerable! I’m glad you feel less alone—that was my hope in writing this.
Thank you Nate for honestly sharing your raw feelings. It must have been terrifying as you debated whether to hit the publish button or not. You've laid yourself bare. That takes a lot of courage.
You've built a bridge for me, and perhaps many others who read this post, that we're not alone.
I too am struggling in a similar way with depression and not being able to create. I should be working on my second book, the one about my beloved third great grandfather's emigration story during the famine in Ireland. I got off to a good start, then for whatever reason, I hit a wall. In my heart of hearts I'm thrilled by his story. If not for his resilience I wouldn't be here today.
Creativity is born from our mind. Depression attacks the mind. It's a conflict. When I feel overwhelmed, as I often do, my anxiety makes things worse. Could it be that your client's deadline puts pressure on you, which might cause you to be in a freeze state? When we are flooded with cortisol we go into one of four states, fight, flight, freeze or fawn. (This information is coming from my therapist.) If you're in a freeze state it might be blocking creativity. Maybe it's why I'm having a creative block. I don't know.
Perhaps you're overwhelmed and/or exhausted. What feeds your soul and relaxes you? Maybe knowing that will yield some answers? A walk in the woods, specifically by a stream, often helps me reset. I realize everyone's situation is different, and what works for one person might not work for another.
I feel we are on a journey to discover who we are, what makes us tick, and what works to keep us productive.
I see you and I hear you my friend. I believe you'll get there.
Really enjoyed reading this Nathaniel. Thanks for your honesty, it's encouraging. I can relate and hate the pressure of creativity on demand when deadlines are looming and the alignment isn't there internally. I try to work on boring admin tasks or errands to get my mind out of the stuck feeling. If the deadline allows it, I'll usually miss the creative work after a short break and can get back into it. It's a constant struggle though. I'm thinking of starting a new hobby. I hear gambling's fun.
Thanks Jay! Figured if this newsletter was going to about creative practice I needed to write about it. It's definitely good for me to do some easier or boring tasks in those moments. Let me know when you win the jackpot :)
I think you're doing the right thing: talk about it. Once I started talking to my wife about my ups and downs and difficulty with making things she was supportive and encouraging. I was no longer wallowing by myself but had someone who could externally know I wasn't quite right and could address it.
There’s a line of inquiry that Kate Bowler asked Rainn Wilson in her podcast, Everthing Happens: There is so much hope (furious hope) in the making and giving (of art). Is there a grief in that? Is there grief underneath? I just thought of it after reading your post and perhaps sharing it would open up to more reflection and insight. I don’t have the answers, Nathaniel but certainly there are more questions we have to live with.
Mostly just thank you for turning these feelings that many of us have towards the type of open expression you have done by writing this post. It takes a lot of put these feelings out there but it’s so valuable not just for you but for all of us out here that struggle with similar doubt, shame, sadness, anger, confusion.
So I think you are already doing the first part in trying to be kind to yourself and also to take those feelings and build something from them even if that structure doesn’t seem sound right away.
Making creative work is work. It is work for the hands and the mind but it can also be a heavy form of emotional labour. Our work in creative fields might be envied by some as a “luck” of free expression but it is work regardless and not just a fancy.
Thanks for the affirmations Davin, that means so much to me. Though sometimes I wish it wasn’t, these feelings are part of my—and maybe THE—creative practice.
I do hope others find it valuable, even if there are not “real” answers to be had.
Ancient cultures believed that to know the name of something was to have power over it, but I think naming something allows you to better sit with it, to have a greater access to empathy. To greet the depression with grace and acceptance. To say to the depression "I see you, I will take care of you". When you can hold something with tenderness, it softens, and its easier to carry the load.
How do you stay creative in depression? I don't know either really. But, for me, it's ritual and routine. It's muscle memory. Going mindfully through the motions is no bad thing. It's a hand rail for my days. It's something solid to hold onto when the ground is shaking. It's something sure to cling to until the thunder quiets and the sun comes out again. It is in the nature of things to change. We work, we rest, we make, we wait, we breathe, we repeat....
This is perhaps an oversimplification, but whenever I have a case of the fuck-its I think of a quote I heard on the old Spine Magazine podcast (wish I could remember which episode or who said it): “no input, no output.” It’s a good reminder to me that the reason I started making things was because I saw things I wish I had made, and that creativity begets creativity. The best thing for me to do in those difficult moments is seek out other creative work of any kind. Sometimes it inspires me and other times it makes me jealous, which can be enough of a fire to get me back to work. But mostly, even if it does neither of those things, it’s brain food. None of us is a machine that can produce endlessly; we need fuel to keep going.
Spine podcast was so good! Thanks for sharing, Zach. Austin Kleon writes a lot about input/output too—you really can’t underestimate its importance.
I have no answers, N. I'm struck by your depth and honesty. It's unguarded. There's something free about that which, for me, lights up the gorgeous collage you just showed us. Is there some connection between caring *less* and being able to create *more good art*? I can get very stuck in caring too much about everything. As I said, no answers--just questions.
Hi Ann—no answers required. Thank your for engaging with this!
You may be on to something. I think caring less can be good for your art—that's how I was able to post this in the first place. But the bulk of my struggle is when the work is for a client. Design is generally viewed as less emotional than art but I think that is a myth for many, many designers. As I do this work I try to find client work that I genuinely care about, but even then it can be a struggle when I'm afflicted with a case of the fuck-its.
Again, thanks for your comment. Made my day and made writing this worth it.
Ah, I love when this happens - I stumble across the perfect piece at the perfect time. I, too, go through stages of slumps that are almost as bad as my peaks are good. I hate when peak-me does something that slump-me has to follow up with.
Either way, thank you for writing and sharing this. I’m new to this Substack world and struggling a lot with the internal dialogue telling me that I’m being too vulnerable online. Pieces like this remind me that no, I’m not, and in fact being vulnerable is a superpower of sorts. Knowing I’m not the only one struggling with a July slump makes me feel that much less alone, which I greatly appreciate.
“I hate when peak-me does something that slump-me has to follow up with.” Never a more relatable sentence than that right there.
Thanks for weighing in Kaley. Your affirmation quells the part of me that STILL wonders if I was too vulnerable! I’m glad you feel less alone—that was my hope in writing this.
Thank you Nate for honestly sharing your raw feelings. It must have been terrifying as you debated whether to hit the publish button or not. You've laid yourself bare. That takes a lot of courage.
You've built a bridge for me, and perhaps many others who read this post, that we're not alone.
I too am struggling in a similar way with depression and not being able to create. I should be working on my second book, the one about my beloved third great grandfather's emigration story during the famine in Ireland. I got off to a good start, then for whatever reason, I hit a wall. In my heart of hearts I'm thrilled by his story. If not for his resilience I wouldn't be here today.
Creativity is born from our mind. Depression attacks the mind. It's a conflict. When I feel overwhelmed, as I often do, my anxiety makes things worse. Could it be that your client's deadline puts pressure on you, which might cause you to be in a freeze state? When we are flooded with cortisol we go into one of four states, fight, flight, freeze or fawn. (This information is coming from my therapist.) If you're in a freeze state it might be blocking creativity. Maybe it's why I'm having a creative block. I don't know.
Perhaps you're overwhelmed and/or exhausted. What feeds your soul and relaxes you? Maybe knowing that will yield some answers? A walk in the woods, specifically by a stream, often helps me reset. I realize everyone's situation is different, and what works for one person might not work for another.
I feel we are on a journey to discover who we are, what makes us tick, and what works to keep us productive.
I see you and I hear you my friend. I believe you'll get there.
Thanks Lisa ❤️ I’m sorry that you too are struggling to create.
I’m definitely overwhelmed and exhausted—there’s a lot going on in life right now! But I’m trying to remember that now is not forever.
Really enjoyed reading this Nathaniel. Thanks for your honesty, it's encouraging. I can relate and hate the pressure of creativity on demand when deadlines are looming and the alignment isn't there internally. I try to work on boring admin tasks or errands to get my mind out of the stuck feeling. If the deadline allows it, I'll usually miss the creative work after a short break and can get back into it. It's a constant struggle though. I'm thinking of starting a new hobby. I hear gambling's fun.
Thanks Jay! Figured if this newsletter was going to about creative practice I needed to write about it. It's definitely good for me to do some easier or boring tasks in those moments. Let me know when you win the jackpot :)
I think you're doing the right thing: talk about it. Once I started talking to my wife about my ups and downs and difficulty with making things she was supportive and encouraging. I was no longer wallowing by myself but had someone who could externally know I wasn't quite right and could address it.
Thanks Mitchell. I agree—talking, writing, and walking are usually my first, erm, steps.
There’s a line of inquiry that Kate Bowler asked Rainn Wilson in her podcast, Everthing Happens: There is so much hope (furious hope) in the making and giving (of art). Is there a grief in that? Is there grief underneath? I just thought of it after reading your post and perhaps sharing it would open up to more reflection and insight. I don’t have the answers, Nathaniel but certainly there are more questions we have to live with.
These are good questions! ❤️
Mostly just thank you for turning these feelings that many of us have towards the type of open expression you have done by writing this post. It takes a lot of put these feelings out there but it’s so valuable not just for you but for all of us out here that struggle with similar doubt, shame, sadness, anger, confusion.
So I think you are already doing the first part in trying to be kind to yourself and also to take those feelings and build something from them even if that structure doesn’t seem sound right away.
Making creative work is work. It is work for the hands and the mind but it can also be a heavy form of emotional labour. Our work in creative fields might be envied by some as a “luck” of free expression but it is work regardless and not just a fancy.
Thanks for the affirmations Davin, that means so much to me. Though sometimes I wish it wasn’t, these feelings are part of my—and maybe THE—creative practice.
I do hope others find it valuable, even if there are not “real” answers to be had.